Why My Imperfect Marriage Is Perfect

I’m thirty years old and I’ve been married for ten years. In June, it will be eleven.

Yeah. I know.

 It’s your typical high school sweethearts story on my side of it. For the short version of our little fairy tale check out my about us page. We were also featured on The Way We Met Instagram page, if you’re curious about us.

I tell you this because I want you to know I’m not in that honeymoon phase where everything is beautiful and I think I know everything there is to know about being married and I spout your typical BS advice about not going to bed angry.

(PSA: Go to bed angry)

But even though I’m not in that honeymoon phase, I wake up everyday thinking my marriage is better than everyone else’s. I do it when I’m frustrated or when I’m happy. Literally, I do this everyday. I’m not saying this to sound like I’m cocky or insufferable or to make anyone think we’re perfect.

We are not.

We fight and argue, we say things we have to apologize for later, we don’t talk, we ignore each other, we say snide remarks to each other, we know what buttons to push. 

Our marriage isn’t always pretty and it’s far from perfect but I’m happy. We’re happy. And to me, that makes it perfect. If you’ve ever seen Sex and the City movie where Charlotte says to Samantha, “I’m not happy all day, everyday, but I’m happy everyday” this is what I mean. 

I don’t complain about my husband much. Seriously, almost never not even to my best friends. I remember one time I complained about my husband on Baby Center about him being incapable of putting laundry in the hamper even if the hamper was right next to where he put his clothes.  You should have seen the comments I got, how disrespectful, that would be my “Hill to die on”, have you thought about what you’re doing to cause this kind of behavior from him?

I’m not joking.

But do you know what? It feeds the anger. I felt validated for being angry, even more so because some of the comments were so insane. Like, other people wouldn’t stand for this, why should I?

But it didn’t help. It made me angry. It made me yell a few more times, maybe. But did it fix the problem? Did it help our relationship? No.

Am I saying not to talk to your friends? To hide your feelings and say nothing? Not at all. But if it annoys you that much, then you’re probably talking to the wrong person about it. 

Before I go on, I know some relationships don’t work. I know some people try everything and can’t fix what they know is wrong. I know that some people are abusive. I know that some people are alcoholics. I know that sometimes, no matter how perfect a relationship is, someone isn’t happy. I know that sometimes no matter what you do, it doesn’t work. 

That’s not what I’m talking about here.

What I am saying is that, just because your marriage has issues, it doesn’t mean you should give up. I feel like today we’re taught to not feel any frustration and once we do, something must be wrong. I don’t want to say we’re taught not to settle, because I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing, but I also think that we think of settling as something different than it really is.

Life is not perfect and neither is marriage. You’ll have fights and you’ll get angry. Your partner will do something that makes your blood boil and it might be something he/she does everyday. You won’t always feel the same as you felt when you first started dating (and that’s not always a bad thing)

And it’s not settling. It’s life. And I’d take what I have now over before every single day of the week. Why?

Because my imperfect marriage is perfect for me. And if I could guess, I’d say yours probably is too.  

Five Reasons My Marriage is Perfect

1. Because it’s Mine

I watch movies and sometimes I say to my husband, “Awww, why couldn’t you be more like that?” He’ll give me a look and tell me whatever BS pops into his head at the moment. It’s easy to want something different but if you really stop and think about it, your love is special just because its yours. No one elses. You don’t need to compare your relationship to your friends or worse those “perfect ” relationships on social media. That relationship you see next door or on social media also has a thousand flaws. Trust me. And you never know, maybe someone is looking at yours wishing it was theirs.

2. We Choose Each Other

I think the most perfect thing about my marriage is that we choose each other everyday. We choose each other when we’re upset and angry and happy and so in love. When I wake up, irritated about something the night before, I still choose to be here because one thing doesn’t negate a thousand other things I love. And he does too.

3. Different People Tolerate Different Things

Have you ever read the story about the husband and wife who get a divorce over dishes in the sink? (Read it here it’s super interesting) at the end of the article you find what the divorce is actually about but my point is, there are somethings in relationships that aren’t so important to you but would be important to someone else. For example I don’t do dishes. I hate it. Pedro does them. And I’ll leave the laundry in the basket for dayyys. We both do this. And he never ever picks up. He could leave clutter on the counters for years if I didn’t pick it up. These kinds of things might be a deal breaker for some people. But you know, he’s such a hands on dad. And I wouldn’t be able to tolerate something less.

4. Your Own Spark

I hear a lot when people talk about not loving each other anymore, not feeling that spark anymore. I’m not going to say that the spark is crap but sometimes life is crap. Yeah it’s not going to be the same as when you were dating and having all the firsts but now it’s something better. And sometimes you have to make your own spark. I may not feel that spark everyday but I do still feel it. Because after 10 years we still choose each other. And to me, there’s no better spark than that.

5. That Thing You Share

Sometimes it’s the thing that brought you together in the first place or something you found along the way. Our biggest thing is our sense of movie humor. Pedro and I can be fighting one minute and he will quote a movie or I’ll say a stupid one liner and we’ll look at each other and just laugh, effectively ending the fight. Our poor kids witness this all the time. And they’ll look at us like we’re crazy. Or we’ll quote movies to each other and the other one has to figure out where it’s from or they’ll lose. Your thing will probably be something different. You have one thing or fifty things but it’s your thing, something about the two of you that brings you together, even when your fighting, something that makes you laugh, something you enjoy together just the two of you. 

What makes your imperfect marriage/relationship perfect?